Today in Unjustified Emotions:
supreme bitterness (with a touch of laughter and ironic realization)
my dream, like my DREAM, for this next year was to perfect gershwin’s rhapsody in blue on the piano, audition for the concerto competition, win, and check “perform favorite piece of all time with orchestra" off my bucket list. this dream allowed me to fall in love with music again. this dream allowed me to challenge myself in an area i thought i’d given up on. it seemed unrealistic at first, but the harder i practiced, the more attainable this goal became. i turned to this piece when i felt like i wasn’t good enough at school or being a girl or anything else, because practicing was something i could control. practicing made me feel strong, and reminded me that dedication and repetition produce tangible, beautiful results. entering the school year, i was very confident that i could perform that piece successfully within the next few months. everything was coming together.
and what happens? we’re playing it NOW, with a fucking professional soloist, in carnegie fucking hall. GREAT.
i feel like someone ripped my dream out from under my feet and slapped me across the face with it.
like 11:11-make-a-wish misunderstood me. “oh, you want to play this piece? SURE LET’S DO IT (but like completely eliminate the chance of you even registering to compete with this solo, because you aren’t good enough anyway. how does last chair second violin sound instead?”
but god, this is so brilliantly ironic that i can’t help but laugh a little. of all the pieces we could have played before next fall.